I’m at a loss. My heart is heavy with despair, grief and unimaginable rage that can’t be contained in words. It’s rare that I speak out publicly on the things that happen in the world, I try to be non-polarizing, even keeled but strong in my personal opinions and faith. Within the confines of my personal relationships I’m very vocal about the things of God, geopolitics and the like. But I’ve kept my opinion to myself for too long and I can no longer with a clear conscious keep it all to myself. Enough is enough and we are tired! I didn’t live through the Civil Rights movement, my mom was a young child at the time but the struggles, the fights, the death and anguish was passed on to me so that I would not forget. We are not so far removed from the abolition of slavery and the Civil Rights movement that we couldn’t easily slip back. I was told that I could be anything I wanted to be, I had the freedom of choice and should be free of fear. And yet I am fearful and I both want and need answers. Read the rest of this entry »
A new year has been ushered in and with it that I have left behind the wounds and transgressions of 2014. Life dealt me a really rough hand in 2014, between stress, work, my health taking more dips and flips than the most stomach dropping, heart pounding of roller coasters. I was on the verge of and had a mental breakdown. I took a leave of absence from my Ph.D Clinical Psychology program to focus on my health and wellbeing; it was one of the best decisions I’ve made in a very long time. Read the rest of this entry »
I’m up late and unable to sleep, which is par for the course with me, but I can’t shut my mind off because of what transpired on Sunday. I went to church yesterday after missing choir rehearsal last week due to both a sinus and upper respiratory infection, and I think my tolerance for people’s bad behavior has reached an all time low. When I come into God’s house I genuinely want to be there. It does my heart good to know that I can be beat up and put down by the world Monday – Saturday, but on Sunday can come to a place where I am embraced and loved.
It has been ages since I have had even a piece of a free moment to do anything but breathe. That is no excuse for abandoning you and for that I sincerely apologize. (Insert me bowing humbly in gratitude). So much is going on in the life that I call my own that I hardly know where to start. Read the rest of this entry »
Something was dropped in my spirit late last night and I couldn’t rest until I put it on paper.
I come across people going in and out of bad relationships, carrying baggage around with them until you can’t see them for the issues that they have. The most common is of course the old adage, “You caused me to have low self-esteem!” This is where my sympathetic ear turns jaded and I have to lay some things on the table and be real. This may hurt someone’s feelings, this may cause you to say that I am wrong and how could I even think that way, but know that the truth is the truth, rather you choose to believe it or not.
With every relationship, whether it be a friendship, familial bonds or romantic in nature (this includes “friends with benefits”- The most asinine of them all) emotions are always involved. This whole notion of being able to be in a relationship with someone without any attachments is people deluding themselves. Human beings are emotional creatures; we thrive on interaction, love and fulfillment of purpose. We have emotional tidal waves at the hint of weddings, births, deaths, commencements and the reaching of milestones. We anxiously await the day, the hour, the minute that our partner says those three words, “What time’s dinner?”… I jest; the words are “I love you”. It makes us feel complete and adored and emotionally vested in the relationship. But when good goes to bad and you begin to be mistreated (this goes for guys and ladies alike) the first words out of your mouth are, “He/she treats me so bad. But I know that he/she loves me and I him/her…” Then you start to make excuses for the aforementioned bad behavior. Here’s the truth I was talking about earlier: You DO NOT make excuses for someone’s mistreatment of you, you DO NOT tolerate being treated less than; doing so makes you an enabler. For the most part mistreatment of someone generally stems from one of two places, insecurity on their part and/or control issues, both of which show a lack of self-worth. Otherwise why would it make you feel good to mistreat and/or control someone? If I’m talking about you say “Ouch”.
Then the “You ruined my self-esteem” comment rears its ugly head and you are laying the fault for your lack of self-worth at someone else’s feet. No, pick that up and place the blame exactly where it belongs, back on you. Self-esteem is just that… the admiration and regard you feel for yourself. How you feel about you should not be predicated on someone’s feelings or lack thereof for or about you, nor should it be centered on those things in life that are fleeting ( situations, circumstances, people, places, things). The respect you have for yourself comes from a place of joy and contentment in your accomplishments, in how you view yourself in relation to what you want from life. Don’t get me wrong, life is full of heartache and disappointments and I’m the first to admit that being a little depressed when things don’t go the way you would have hoped, is completely ok. But don’t let that keep you in a place of despair and affect the way you see yourself. When you are stuck in a place where you know that you are not being treated right, in a place where you don’t feel comforted and secure and you say that you love the other person… take a second to think, who do you love more, them or you? This helped me once upon a time and I hope that you will take the lyrics to heart and do a little introspection.
My life is abundantly blessed and every day for me gives me the privilege to praise and worship Him. Holidays and such as great for telling our family and friends how much they mean to us but why reserve that just for holidays and special occasions? I wrote this to my mother this morning:
Happy Mother’s Day! You are incredibly special to me and words pale in comparison to your wisdom and love. You sheltered our souls within yourself, safeguarding us from all manner of evil, prayed over and for us yet while we were unaware. Time has not changed your unwavering commitment to your children, regardless of age or station in life, you still pray for us and over us, for the protection of our souls. For this today and everyday that God grants me my right mind, a reasonable portion of health and a voice to speak, I will lift you up to the Lord. I will bless His infinite wisdom and graciousness for blessing me with such a woman after His own heart as my mother. I hold you in the highest esteem and if He sees fit to bless me to be a mother, I pray I am even a fraction to them of what you have been to me.
To all of you, love in those that you hold dear every moment that you can and that have the breath in your body and the activity if your limbs. For those of you would no longer have your mother here with you, remember her love and devotion to you and smile knowing that she is with you always, as her prayers have kept you. For those who are adopted, know that biology doesn’t make a parent, care and compassion do.
T. Nicole's Graham Cracker Crumbs 
A Bleeding Chasm: The Racial Divide in America
I’m at a loss. My heart is heavy with despair, grief and unimaginable rage that can’t be contained in words. It’s rare that I speak out publicly on the things that happen in the world, I try to be non-polarizing, even keeled but strong in my personal opinions and faith. Within the confines of my personal relationships I’m very vocal about the things of God, geopolitics and the like. But I’ve kept my opinion to myself for too long and I can no longer with a clear conscious keep it all to myself. Enough is enough and we are tired! I didn’t live through the Civil Rights movement, my mom was a young child at the time but the struggles, the fights, the death and anguish was passed on to me so that I would not forget. We are not so far removed from the abolition of slavery and the Civil Rights movement that we couldn’t easily slip back. I was told that I could be anything I wanted to be, I had the freedom of choice and should be free of fear. And yet I am fearful and I both want and need answers. Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by grahamcrackercrumbs09 on June 19, 2015 in Grinds My Gears, Social Commentary
Tags: AME Shooting, America, Charleston, Faith, John Stewart, Love, racism