It has been many, many moons since I have written here and for that I am truly sorry. I got to this place where I was depressed, unfulfilled and dealing with my many chronic illnesses. And so, I took a break from the one thing that brings me so much solace and joy; the one outlet that fully allows me to relax, relate and release. Why is that? After months of introspection and wonderfully beautiful souls coming into my life, I have “found” the answer.
Writing, for me, is where truth is. Writing would force me to address, face first, all those things that I couldn’t give words to. It would demand me to confront my deepest fears, acknowledge my failures and create a plan to move forward. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to admit that I didn’t have answers, I didn’t have strength, that I needed help. And so I went into a place of deep contemplation, a place of hope and faith. We had a Diversity & Inclusion specialist speak at our all-hands meeting last week and she had us do this ADDRESSING framework.
We identified and accepted the many group memberships and cultural identities that we have and addressed our privilege, along with how we’ve used said privilege to our advantage and at times to the detriment of others. I was confronted with my own privilege and more so my lack thereof. I was thunderstruck and left breathless by the realization that I downplay my own accomplishments and shrink myself to make others comfortable with who I am. I do all of this to ensure that I remain gainfully employed and out of the spotlight.
When you are centerstage you are more open to and apt to receive harsh and undeserved criticisms. In a moment of vulnerability, I gave voice to this in public, in front of (virtually anyway) my coworkers and colleagues. And while it was cathartic, it was painful and I did what I normally don’t do… I cried off camera afterwards. They were tears of frustration and a cleansing flood of brokenness. Mind you this was the same day that Netflix launched Homecoming by Beyoncé. I am a proud graduate of Texas Southern University (HBCU in Houston, TX) and seeing how hard Queen Bey struggled to get back to her authentic self gave me inspiration. Seeing and hearing a full band and Houston music (UGK, Bun B, etc.) gave me LIFE!!
And today on a video chat with a co-worker, a friend, who is transitioning out of the company that we both work for, I inadvertently gave voice to all that ailed me, while regaling him with hilarious tales of how I came to be who and what I am. I found my voice again. I rediscovered my shrinking self.
So I am back to my most authentic self. I’m writing short stories and screenplays, I’m back blogging, I’m doing all those artistic endeavors that bring me joy and contentment. I’m acting, making jewelry (as recently seen on the Grammys red carpet and American Idol *eek*) and loving on those who love on me. Only He knows what happens next but I will face it with my head high and in truth.
Peace and Blessings
T. Nicole
T. Nicole's Graham Cracker Crumbs 