*Taps mic, clears throat*
Excuse me everyone, may I have your attention please?
Dear Clothing Designers,
I am a beautifully curvy woman with an hourglass figure and a gangload of a#$. Therefore I cannot, and should not, wear extremely short shorts… or short shorts that matter. Please make shorts at a length for me that will not have half of my lusciousness hanging out or that my grandmother would wear.
Get it right, it’s hot as hell outside and these jeans are killing me softly!
*Drops mic, exits stage left*